sixty

These poems are really no longer about you. They’re more about the person I wish you’d be. They’re no longer moments we had. They’re more moments we’ll never see. These are no longer words of reminiscence. These are words of resilience. 

fifty-nine

That’s what’s wrong. You take twelve steps forward, eight steps back and before I catch up you’ve ended up six steps sideways in bed with a different girl. 

fifty-eight

There’s this hole right in my rib cage, right under my chest. It’s deep and it’s hollow. And every time I see you it feels like a wind is sweeping over it, tickling it, causing it to ache and shiver. It’s heart throbbing, it’s weakening. It’s you. 

fifty-seven

It’s madness really. The stirring inside my heart. It’s eager and anxious and scared and angry and hurt. It’s an absolute whirlwind of every feeling I’ve kept hidden and measured in the past month. I’m dizzy just thinking about how dizzy letting go will make me. 

fifty-six

'Can we just go back to being friends?' you asked. Was it regret? Was it innocent? Always good, never good enough. I never saw this as friendship; you never saw this as anything but. 

fifty-five

And I’m gonna have to sit there and take it. I’m gonna have to pretend we’ve never had 4am conversations. I’m gonna have to act like I’ve never touched your skin. I’m gonna have to be okay with not dragging you into to hall or up the stairs before the party is even over. She’s gonna be tucked under your arm on the same couch you told me things apparently irrelevant now. And I’m gonna have to watch my heartbreak play out in front me and masquerade like I didn’t see it coming. 

fifty-four

Caught in between wanting to stand up for myself by lashing out in hate and hurt and rolling with the punches by letting go time after time; both reactions make me crazy. Where do you find a solution to a problem you didn’t even know was upon you?

fifty-three

No one’s fault, love. Any maleficence you could embody was powered by my own ignorance. Words and kisses couldn’t have played their part if I wasn’t thinking we were flying instead of falling. See, anytime your eyes said ‘yes’ was because mine never knew ‘no’ was an option. 

fifty-two

I’m torn between being cynical and cold and being positive and hopeful. There comes a point where you’ve stepped on too much shattered glass to ever accept the mosaic as a whole. I believe strongly in fairytales. I believe strongly in happy endings. Be optimistic, but be smart. Be lighthearted, but be cautious. Be so much better than the being you were yesterday. 

fifty-one

It’s inconceivable to me that lips and hands and skin and hair can be so interchangeable to some. I spent so much time memorizing your words and now I can’t even remember your voice. How are you so okay.

fifty

It doesn’t ache that your lips have been on hers. It only aches that they’ve been whispering a different name. I may be crazy in that way. You can touch all the bodies in the world but what’s always going to hurt more is the way you’re touching their soul, too. 

forty-nine

I’m irresponsibly in love with being irresponsibly in love

forty-eight

The whole world keeps spinning like nothing happened. But something did happen. Does it not understand that a girl has been left shattered? Does it not understand that everything she hoped to believe in was a formulaic lie? Does it not understand that once again she’s been cast aside, a check marked off a sick list? Perhaps it does understand, perhaps it simply does not care. 

forty-seven

Keep your standards high, darling, but your expectations low. Not everyone will hurt you, but not everyone will lift you up. You know what you deserve and you know where you want to go. Sacrificing those things for the easiness of a moment will never be worth it. You wouldn’t give up a hundred dollars for a nickel on the street. And you shouldn’t give up sincere affection for a drink at a bar. 

forty-six

Lazy Sunday afternoons with Netflix and beer and blankets and hands is the only fucking thing I need. Come back, I’ll be fine. If you pull at my heartstrings when I’m with you, I’ll take mend them back together on the drive home. 

forty-five

I didn’t think I wanted this ‘friends with benefits’ relationship and I probably still don’t but honestly if this is the only way I get to feel your beating heart against my cheek then I’m game. Your hands are something to be remembered and once I’ve felt them on my skin, there really isn’t a way for me to go back. 

forty-four

Some girls want to be showered with roses. Some girls want all of your time. Some girls want a knight in shining armor. Personally, I’m good with lazy forehead kisses and drunk texts at 3am.