hundred & eleven

I woke up in a cold sweat realizing that this is how it’ll be now: living in daydreams and resting in nightmares. My only reality lays in reminisces I dare not revisit. 

hundred & ten

It's between the heaviness of my eyelids and the anxiety in my chest and the chills on my skin that I find all the love I harbored slowly surface.

hundred & nine

3am came up slowly behind me and wrapped it's ice cold fingers around my neck. It squeezed so seductively I barely felt 4am force feed me your words I swear I already threw out with 2am.

hundred & eight

It’s hard to walk sober when you’re being led, disillusioned, onto blurry paths. This road feels familiar but your hand in mine feels new. I’m sure I’ve been here before. I’m sure I’ve laughed like that, flirted like that. And I’m sure it didn’t end well. I’m sure I was crushed, spent. But what if this is different? What if this is a new path you’re guiding me along? What if I let my guard down just enough to feel the fairytale, wisp around me? I’ve done it before; what’s the worst that could happen?

hundred & seven

It breaks me to see you broken. I’ve seen you smile a million smiles: sly smiles in class, sarcastic smiles in bookstores, genuine smiles in cars. Whoever is responsible for your smiles no longer reaching your eyes has done us all a disservice. They have robbed the world from true beauty. Distance yourself, pretty girl, from anyone who has you exchanging fake smiles for honest tears. 

hundred & six

There’s this girl I knew, she was tall and blonde with a quick wit and an open heart. She loved until she couldn’t love and then she loved a little more. All she wanted was whatever you wanted and she’d have search the ends of the earth to see a solitary smile.

There was this boy I knew. He was an entirely perfect. But he wasn’t her perfect.

And that’s where nature falls.

No matter how much she’d love, his heart would not be receptive.

That’s what stings. But that’s what’s beautiful.

So I told her, take comfort in rejection. Kiss your wasted time and mark the experience. Everyone has been given a vocation; why would you ever want a cookie-cutter fate when yours has been so uniquely and so intricately designed to bring you your own kind of solace and your own kind of happiness. Chase what you love, and the one who loves you won’t be far behind. And when it catches up you’ll be prepared, for when who loves you catches you at what you love, you’ll spend eternity in serenity and there will be nothing else you desire.

The pieces will fall in perfection, if you give them the time to. 

hundred & five

And it’ll suck until it doesn’t suck, darling. Life is hard and it’s fast and it’s brilliant. Regret nothing. Question everything. People will give you individual definitions of themselves in time, you needn’t try delineate them yourself. Setting expectations is different than setting standards. Standards are for and of yourself, and expectations derive entirely from those around you. Don’t you dare ever put that much trust in another soul.