fifty-seven

It’s madness really. The stirring inside my heart. It’s eager and anxious and scared and angry and hurt. It’s an absolute whirlwind of every feeling I’ve kept hidden and measured in the past month. I’m dizzy just thinking about how dizzy letting go will make me. 

fifty-six

'Can we just go back to being friends?' you asked. Was it regret? Was it innocent? Always good, never good enough. I never saw this as friendship; you never saw this as anything but. 

fifty-five

And I’m gonna have to sit there and take it. I’m gonna have to pretend we’ve never had 4am conversations. I’m gonna have to act like I’ve never touched your skin. I’m gonna have to be okay with not dragging you into to hall or up the stairs before the party is even over. She’s gonna be tucked under your arm on the same couch you told me things apparently irrelevant now. And I’m gonna have to watch my heartbreak play out in front me and masquerade like I didn’t see it coming. 

fifty-four

Caught in between wanting to stand up for myself by lashing out in hate and hurt and rolling with the punches by letting go time after time; both reactions make me crazy. Where do you find a solution to a problem you didn’t even know was upon you?

fifty-three

No one’s fault, love. Any maleficence you could embody was powered by my own ignorance. Words and kisses couldn’t have played their part if I wasn’t thinking we were flying instead of falling. See, anytime your eyes said ‘yes’ was because mine never knew ‘no’ was an option. 

fifty-two

I’m torn between being cynical and cold and being positive and hopeful. There comes a point where you’ve stepped on too much shattered glass to ever accept the mosaic as a whole. I believe strongly in fairytales. I believe strongly in happy endings. Be optimistic, but be smart. Be lighthearted, but be cautious. Be so much better than the being you were yesterday. 

fifty-one

It’s inconceivable to me that lips and hands and skin and hair can be so interchangeable to some. I spent so much time memorizing your words and now I can’t even remember your voice. How are you so okay.