thirteen

It’s been a week in this room without windows. My hand slips in and out from under the covers and my mind slips in and out of consciousness. The only way I distinguish morning from night is I crave a little coffee with my whiskey. 

twelve

the pretty things in my ear that you’re whispering

are unfair, but I’m there, and I’m listening

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel

is there a difference between right and real

cause there’s a certain curiosity

when I start confusing my wants and needs

eleven

It doesn’t even matter if I know it’s temporary. I’ll sit here and imagine forever. And that’ll be the death of me. I’m irresponsibly in love with the future; only, you can't get to the future if you miss the present. 

ten

here’s the thing that I have learned

it’s about a boy and a girl

no happy endings, not today

so put this down, if you’re afraid

boys are means and girls are dumb

it’s in between that we find true love

but circumstance and alcohol

can make it fly or make it fall

nothing gold can ever stay

just as it comes, it can go away

love is just a state of mind

it’s just a formulaic lie

it gives us something to live for

and when boys have it they want more

cause no one’s ever satisfied

they can’t see past the glassy eyes

it’s a spell and though it’s sweet

it won’t ever catch up to me

I used to be so damn upset

that I hadn’t heard those three words yet

but damn is I’m not happier

than the girl who sits around and stirs

picking petals off of flowers

waiting, hoping ever hour

I’m no longer going to wait

if you want me, you can chase

phone lines work in both directions

I’m sitting back, I’ve learned my lesson

nine

I’m sorry to be dramatic but after six years of hell, I’m keeping my guard up, and my fucks low. 

eight

I laid there with you and thought about him. About how I didn’t need him anymore, about how I only needed you; about how my kisses were yours and how it was your arm around me, not his. I thought and thought and thought until I didn’t know if I was thinking about you, or thinking about him

seven

It’s like the second I could be happy I make a conscientious decision to not be. I find every excuse to run. Run and hide and complain and try and run and hide and complain and try. I’m weak, but I’ll be damned if I let you fix that.